Rude and Not English
by royslady51
Summary: Just when the Doctor thinks he's seen and done everything, life proves he hasn't quite managed it just yet. The Twelfth Doctor manages to find the oddest human companion he's had yet...and despite the extra work that caring for a disabled human brings and the special brand of chaos Aga introduces to his life, he wouldn't have it any other way.
1. The American Companion

**SUMMARY: **Just when the Doctor thinks he's seen and done everything, life proves he hasn't quite managed it just yet. The Twelfth Doctor manages to find the oddest human companion he's had yet...and she's not young or even fully mobile...and at first she's quite vocal about the fact that she doesn't _quite _believe he's who appears to be.

**RUDE AND _NOT_ ENGLISH**

He'd never known the United States to be so quiet or devoid of humanity. The world population was down quite a bit, but not like this where huge tracts of land were mostly clear of people. He was worried because there was no sign of any kind of outside forces being responsible and that probably meant a pandemic of some kind. His TARDIS had finally located a single, isolated human being in an area of a state called Missouri that had once been a small, but active little town just off exit 88 along interstate 44, Strafford, it was called, according to the road signs.

_Someone _had certainly put soil filled large urns on every other paved former road surface, most filled with vegetables. Most of the parking lots were filled with deep freeze units, some chests and some uprights...these had cooked meals in some and others had frozen meat, which he discovered by opening a few. He heard, from a distance, what sounded like some kind of electric car and he waited, watching as someone drove a yard truck with a large water tank loaded on it. The tank was clear though the water inside had clearly had some kind of chemical added to it since the water was blue. A short hose with a longish nozzle was being used to deposit water in sufficient amounts in each pot along a long row.

She was middle aged, from the slight graying of her darkish hair, and though she looked over her glasses first at him and then at the TARDIS, eyes narrowed, she continued what she was doing. He saw her glance at him from time to time, and realized when she finally decided to just get on with her chore and ignore him.

That was a first. Most people would have at least greeted him. He walked over to her, hands in his pockets. "What's in the water?"

"Keep a list of what you're asking. Just in case you ever convince me you're real. I still haven't decided why I'm hallucinating." She muttered. "Matter of time, see, before I started seeing things, isolation can do that to people, or so I heard...and people...that don't exist. Figures you'd be the first one to show up...cuz I already know you're not real. The only question is why one of Doctor Who's currently employed actors...and the next one instead of the current one...would show up here of all places and under these conditions, no less...with his main prop, at that...and that just proves you're a figment of my imagination. Cuz none of that makes any sense at _all." _She muttered, "But I ain't too hot and I ain't et nothin' weird and there ain't been nobody around to catch nothin' from." She kept at her chore until the tank ran dry and turned her little cart to leave without a word.

He stepped up on the running board and simply stared at her. For her part, she ignored him as she drove the yard truck back to where she had the Miracle-Gro and the main water hoses to load the tanks with.

While she worked at mixing the plant food with the water and getting it completely dissolved, the Doctor read one of the empty boxes she'd thrown in the garbage. Question number one was solved, at least. High grade water soluble plant-food, applied once a week throughout the growing season.

She had managed to successfully put him out of her mind, partly because once she was off the truck, she tottered around with a cane in one hand, working slowly but steadily, getting around on what was increasingly obvious as a very painful left hip. Painful enough to make her mind what she was doing and unstable enough that she couldn't afford the distraction.

He didn't have to be the Time Lord he was to predict what happened next, but it sure made timing it a lot easier. He just stayed close enough to catch her before she hit the ground, when that hip gave, but far enough away to not get in her way. She was a bit ill-tempered.

He eased her back into the seat of the yard truck and made sure her hip wasn't jammed. Now she was watching him, her eyes just a little bit wild.

"You're not actually hallucinating me." He finally said, quietly.

"Apparently not, Doctor." She answered, smiling at his startled reaction, given that he'd not yet introduced himself. "Or if I _am_, you'd be the solidest bit of mist and smoke I've seen in a while." He grinned at that comment. "Mind, it still doesn't make any sense, cuz I can show you a website that...well, I'll just show you the series on Netflix, then you can explain it to me. Hop on, then and I'll show you where I've been livin' so you can move your TARDIS to my yard."

Now _he_ was the one going a little wild-eyed, for she knew exactly who he was and he'd never met her before. Ever. Made him curious as hell about the website she'd mentioned, though.

Once in her house, or at least, from what she'd said, the house she'd moved into once she'd proven to be one of the exceedingly rare few people who recovered from the illness that had killed millions of Americans, she had grabbed hold of a seated walker so she could start dinner. She was immune to it now, she rather thought. He had run some tests to check that idea out and found her to be correct.

They had a quiet dinner, then she left him watching his own history on a website full of all sorts of television programs and movies. It was quite clearly _intended _to be a product of fiction, though how the hell they'd found human men that looked that much like each of his bodies he had no idea. He completely understood and agreed with her initial reaction to him though, after seeing this. He finally closed the window and went to look for his hostess.

"I understand your reaction now. But that show _is _a show...it's not _me_. Not really. It is, but it's not."

"I can't decide if it's your luck or mine in play here." She answered. "Been praying for company, someone both capable and competent...guess I should've been more specific."

"Specified species?"

"Maybe. But don't ask me to be sorry it's you that got elected to be the answer to my prayers." She smiled at him, a grin so full of mischief he was pretty sure she was about to say something odd. "You've been one of my favorite imaginary friends for years. Or rather...your 8th, 9th and 10th bodies were...with a side helping of 4th for spice and enjoyment."

_**"Oi!"**_

"No, _seriously_. Used to write a lot of fan fiction, back in the day. Before that damned flu variant decided to mutate into something like a viral strain of pneumonia. You made a _wonderful_ set of muses."

"Oi! Rude!"

"Yeah, I've been known to be...but I have faith in your ability to suck it up and _adjust_." She was using a series of ropes to haul herself into bed, now. "Hope you're still around when I wake up but if not it'll have been one of my better dreams."

_**TBC**_


	2. Teasing and Hard Questions

**SUMMARY: **Agatha Orianthe Lixue woke the next morning feeling a ton better than she usually did. True, she was given some pause at the rather cheerful 'rise and shine' from the Doctor who had apparently decided to stick around, but she didn't mind. She had a question for him that she thought he might well be the only person who could answer.

**Teasing and Hard Questions**

She was awake and not nearly as stiff as she had expected to be as she began to roll out of bed and into her scooter. As she settled onto the seat and reached around to unplug it from where she'd had it charging for most of the previous day, she snorted at the 'dream' she'd had. The Doctor. Here. Yeah, right. Would've been nice, but..._no_. She wasn't quite that far gone yet.

"Ah, I thought I heard you up and about in here." She heard and froze, her upper body following her head to the side and around to stare at the man standing behind her.

"Guess it wasn't a dream." She said in disbelief, tugging absently at the cord to get the spring loaded thing to pull back into it's compartment.

"No. Not at all."

"Huh. It's rather strange cuz my luck doesn't usually run this good...so I have ask...what's chasing you?"

"Oi! Nothing."

"Seriously? Nothing? _**You?**__"_

"Hey, I'm not _always _being pursued by something vicious."

"True. Sometimes it's just fan girls on a mission...only apparently, you didn't know that _those _adore you."

"Really? What's their mission?"

"Usually? To get you naked."

He stared at her until he realized she was serious, then snorted amusement at her. She just shrugged at him, but the mood shifted away from humor and he was looking at her seriously.

"What?" She asked, her voice rather low and he suspected she knew what was coming.

"I can't leave you here. Not in your physical condition."

"I could see that coming yesterday." She grinned. "I've got pets, in case you hadn't noticed. And plants...a whole town full of them. Where I go, they go. All the animals and plants need to be loaded...so it's a good thing that the TARDIS is huge. Do that and I won't fuss."

"Plants...all those pots?"

"And all my pets...yes."

"You drive a hard bargain for someone trying to do you some good."

"Yes. And?"

He sighed. "My TARDIS, full of furry things. The plants aren't an issue, there's garden space for those. But..."

"I _can _stay right here if you want me to. I'm not going off with you and let my critters starve to death with no one here to feed them."

"You just had to put it like that, didn't you?"

"Seemed to be the fastest road to _common sense_ from you, yes."

He blew out his breath and gave a sharp nod. "Anything else?"

"Livestock needs to be turned loose. Big animals I'm not concerned with, but dogs and house-cats come with us."

_"Alrighty then."_ He told her, annoyance clear in his voice.

"Don't do that. You sound like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective." She told him, grinning at his wince. "Given that if you were to evenly blend your tenth with your eleventh, you'd get uncomfortably close to the look, as well? Don't push it."

"Ew." He stated firmly. "You just _had _to point that out, I could've finished out my lives without having that pointed out to me. Gross."

"Well, between Tenth's bouncy, Bambi thing and Eleventh's hair..."

"Bouncy Bambi...?" He repeated in disbelief.

"You never noticed?" She grinned. "Why do you think Jackie went from slapping Ninth to hugging your neck as Tenth? Your Tenth body was too adorable for words. If she was nice, she got you to press your pajama clad self against her...you do know we could see your rather snugly clad bum...and your underwear through the pajamas? And this is Jackie we're discussing? Ulterior motives on her part, I promise you."

"Rose did seem to be pushing her mum away from me and getting in pretty close there for a while. Frequently..." He paled for a moment, then got up and headed out to get the yard truck. "I think I'll get busy getting the pots in the TARDIS." He mumbled, leaving Agatha grinning and shaking her head after him.

"_Oblivious_, that's what he is." Agatha chuckled to herself as she rolled her chair to a storage room that had some empty suitcases stored in it. "Megawatt brain, yes, but I really don't think he turns it on all that often. Not sure how much good having it does him if he doesn't actually _use _it." Outside the open window, the TARDIS stood with her doors open, safe enough without anyone else there, and heard the remark. She tinkled laughter to herself, agreeing with the woman while she readied gardens and living areas for animals. She had also enjoyed her Thief's reaction to being referred to as a _'bouncy Bambi'_. Because the woman was correct...he _had _been.

**:WHO:**

"She gave you windows, three big ones, she seldom does that." The 12th commented from the hallway door a week later.

"I can't stand or walk far, the scooter is bulky...and I need something to look at besides walls." She turned her head, smiling a little. "She's never had to deal with a disabled human, has she? She's very thoughtful, though and it's appreciated."

He leaned against the door frame and said reassuringly, "The medicines I'm giving you in your food should relieve the arthritis and other joint and connective tissue issues within a few weeks. Your conditions are well advanced, though, so it's as well we've got access to the vortex for your healing. This is going to take some time. I'll admit to being rather surprised you got around as well as you did, once I saw the test results."

"Had to. Wasn't anyone else around to do it. And the yard truck helped a lot." She told him, scooting from the deep-seated, padded chair next to the flowing stream of the vortex outside her windows to her scooter so she could join him at the door. It took a moment of wrestling with her cane to get into the scooter's seat, but he merely watched from the door. He'd already discovered she didn't like much fussing. She patted his hand and simply told him, "One must make do, as best one can, with what one has, Doctor." She accepted his minor nod of agreement as he backed away from the door to let her into the corridor. It was wider than it had been, to accommodate the scooter she needed to be able to move.

"I've never had a mobility challenged companion, you know."

"Doctor, you enjoy fussing. I'll allow a bit as long as you don't go too hog wild with it." She told him. "If you do, though, I'm likely going to have to start pranking you a bit...as a reminder."

"Pranks? Not fair, I can't prank a crippled woman!"

"Very true...you're pretty healthy though, so there's nothing stopping me if you become annoying."

"Oi!" He glared briefly. "What would you like to see?"

"Earth's World Tree."

"The World Tree? I don't think I've ever seen that myself." He thought about it. "World Tree. There's a lot of interesting lore about it, too."

"Like that you can not only touch and see, but reach every Earth in creation from it's branches?"

He paused. "Every single one?"

"Do you know what's always baffled me?"

"No. What has always baffled you?"

"How did Tyler survive long enough to do you any good unless the TARDIS altered her DNA? After all, she _devolved_ Margaret to an egg, why couldn't she Evolve Rose to something _more_? I want to find the World Tree so you can check to see if she outlived the clone or not...cuz if she did and she hasn't aged a day, you probably need to retrieve her." Agatha pushed the 'go' button on her scooter and headed toward the kitchen. "_Before _someone decides she'd have her _best _uses as an experimental animal. Do remember to ask your ship if she did indeed tamper."

He barely held back the deep moan of dread that wanted to sound as he got an affirmative from Sexy. He could understand why the woman was baffled. It made sense for that question to baffle the mind. He couldn't imagine why he hadn't thought of it before now.

"By the way," He said instead. "What's your name?"

"Agatha Orianthe Lixue." She answered. "Usually go by Aga." My parents were third generation Greeks and so the name given to me was both pretty and traditional. The Doctor mentioned as much a moment later, and after a few moments of quiet, he answered my other observation.

"I think you're right, about Rose, I mean. Finding the World Tree would allow me to traverse the multiverse safely, with no threats to the universal fabric or to Time. I should have thought of it before."

"Yes, well...genius you may be, but you are still _male_. That big old brain doesn't do you much good unless you _use_ it, you know."

"Oi! Rude! I thought my _Tenth_ was rude...but you..._you're_ something else again."

"Yes, but _honest_. I'll tell you things you _need_ to hear whether or not you want to. True, that'll set off some brooding, but if you turn the brooding into _meditation_ instead, you might get something useful from it. My body is useless and it has been so for a good while now, so I got into the habit of thinking a great deal instead. Now, if we can just get _you_ into the same habit, we'll have something."

"_Very_ rude."

"Very American, too. Don't make the error of expecting English manners from me. You'll be setting yourself up for unpleasant shocks if you do that. Americans tended to have very little patience for people who don't exercise plain, old fashioned, _common sense_. You _will_ learn to use it, it will keep you out of more trouble than you realize."

"Rude and **not** English, _noted_." He still reached out to help her from her scooter to one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "Still, arguing with honesty is pointless. And you're only trying to help."

"True." She smiled as he brought out warmed food from the many metric tons he'd taken from the freezers before they'd left Earth. No sense in wasting food, after all. She noted it was done properly and patted the wall in affection.

"Are you the reason my timeship ignores my cooking directions?"

"Yes. I told her all the packages were labeled and just use those directions instead of your's since _I _know how to cook and you don't. The first night showed me that if I want to eat decently, I need to make sure you don't get anywhere near the food before it's heated." She smiled. "This means that our food will be _edible_ instead of caked in charcoal _and far too crunchy_."

"Would you like to meet Jack?" He offered, a grin that held a bit of a threat in it on his face.

"Actually, yes, I do think I _would_, but not until you've had time to deal with the other issue. I think I'll spend some time in your media room while you're looking into the World Tree thing, since you're going to have to identify it before you can start looking for the Door."

"I do want them back in my life...so much so that I can _taste_ it."

"I know you do, poor little love."She patted his hand. "'Tis why I suggested it." She was aware that until he had investigated all avenues of research, he'd be little good for anything else. She only hoped he found the Tree soon...and with it, his ability to traverse the universes freely, soon.

"_Little_ love?"

"Did I mention I get a bit _mushy_ with my muses?"

"I'm not a muse."

"_Hmmm_. Yes, well...just because I didn't know you were real and do now doesn't mean you're not a very solid inspiration and always have been...and that's all a muse really is. _Inspiration_."

He stared at her unable to think of a reply right away, then flushed a little as he spoke quietly. "Thank you."

"I do believe this form is much, much closer to the first, oh, hundred and fifty or so years of your Eighth. Very close to the surface, _that_ you." She squeezed his hand gently. "And you need coddling. And then too, Eighth got a bum deal...keep him close and I'll make _sure_ he feels better. There is this, too...if we can find the Tree and you can get Rose back, she'll provide the leash leaving me free to spoil you rotten. Until then...double duty for me but don't let the disabilities fool you. All you really need is someone to make you think when you don't want to...and a few bone-jarring insults will do that just fine."

He thought about that and just groaned as he nodded.

"You'll be okay. Alright? None of your forms as far as I can tell have had any common sense...so you'll be using mine. I've got tons."

**TBC**


	3. Doctor's Luck

**Summary: **Aga spends some thinking time in the Library trying to figure out if she should ask the Doctor to deposit what remains of the human species on American soil and finally just asks the TARDIS instead, knowing the ancient vessel will pass it on if she approves of it. She does suggest that the ship not ask permission first, if she likes the notion as forgiveness is _so_ much easier to get. There are a few surprises in the mix of humans that remain though and later she wondered wryly how she forgot to consider what she has called 'The Doctor's Luck', for years...

A/N: Aga's name was created a few days before I posted chapter one, from Babynames dot com. It is NOT my real name nor is it anywhere close.

**The meanings of the name Agatha is **Virtuous Heart, Wonderful, Good

**The meanings of the name Orianthe is **Flower, Blooming

**The meanings of the name Lixue is **Pretty Snow, Beautiful Ice, Sweet Thaw

**The meaning of the name **Agatha Orianthe Lixue **for the purpose of this story** is _basically_ Heart of Gold in Snow.

_**I claim creative license so scolding me is useless.**_

**DOCTOR'S LUCK**

"So, that's my suggestion if you decide to do it, love. Just knock them out, plant them in a suitably sized empty American town somewhere on the Gulf or Southern Atlantic coast and let them wake up at leisure. Humans are adaptable, they can manage on their own from there. It's rude, but it's the best way..._really_." She told the ship. "And _I'm _no Miss Manners at my best, so..._yeah_."

The TARDIS was amused, but the woman had provided what was needed, which was permission by a representative of the species in question...and the time lines showed a high probability for success using the simple plan that Aga had just proposed. She passed on the request and the suggestions that had been given with it. Her Thief was a bit taken aback by the prospect of just knocking them out and dropping them off somewhere. He was also a bit reluctant to drop _her_ off with the others, having grown used to her sharp tongue that blended oddly with her well hidden soft-hearted ways.

He poked his head into the Library, eyebrows cocked comically. "Just snatch them up and plop them down elsewhere?"

"Yeah, _exactly_. I've got three words for you: Genetic Bottleneck prevention. Hope you don't mind, but _I'd_ rather stay with my best muse..."

"_Muse_..." He made a face. "I _found_ some of those stories of your's."

"Did you?"

"One with a chapter named 'Swiss Family TARDIS' and left me chasing young Francis Robinson? Why would you wish that off on me?"

"It made me laugh...actually, everyone who read it was laughing. I'm still working on it, you know."

"No. _Please_ tell me you haven't added to the online version today?"

"Okay, I haven't."

"Oh _good_."

"No, that was last night, asked Sexy to post it for me so it landed where it should, she was _also_ giggling."

"_Traitor_." He muttered in answer to the mental chuckles from his ship. "Anything, _anything_ at all to drive me crazy. Well, that explains the Time Field's wild fluctuations this morning!"

"My computer doesn't know that the website is mostly unmanned, plus I simply checked with Sexy and let her upload them somewhen that they wouldn't cause problems...well, not _real_ problems anyway...so why not? 'Back in the Day' was only about ten months before you two found me, my time...and I've never stopped uploading even without anyone reading so..."

"You're right, no _real_ problems...just a little bit of something to drive me barmy. No big deal, I suppose." He shook his finger at her gamin grin. "Yes, you _can_ stay. I've got to keep an eye on the trouble you manage to cause without ever putting so much as one wheel outside!" He snorted as he went to go get a handle on those fluctuating lines. "What else did you do to me? And what kind of a title is _Talking Turkey_?"

"Part of it was a reference to the fact that, in that story, as the Ninth, you didn't understand the behavior wild turkeys, because if you had, you wouldn't've gotten Rose that close to the males in breeding season. Which just means it opens with a relatively minor, Doctorish screw-up. Mostly it was a direct insult, actually...as for what else...well it's _supposed_ to be fiction...but then again, in these parts..._so are you_."

"Oi!"

She grinned at him fiendishly. "Now, that thought _is_ provoking...cause we gotta wonder,_ if or how much,_ fiction is about to explode into the middle of your version of reality. And then, you can start to wonder if we have anything _else_ to worry about." Aga told him, just to drive him crazy. He'd been hovering a bit much the last few days and she wanted the Doctor doing something productive instead.

"Oi! No other companion I've _ever_ had...hell, no other human _I have __**ever**__ known_ has as twisty a mind as _you_ do, I promise you that! I don't know whether to laugh or cry."

"Laugh. It's _much_ better for you, Doctor."

**:WHO:**

The TARDIS reassured her Thief that his human was only pranking him a bit, just yanking his chain, that there wasn't _really_ anything of the sort going on and suggested that he relax...and stop hovering over her before she introduced something else to short out his synapses in that 'oh so plausibly, _reasonable_ tone' of her's that made enough sense when she proposed something like this that he was forced to actually _consider_ it.

She managed to conceal her amusement at the Time Lord's predicament with the woman and redirected his attention to the other problems he'd presented her with. She had indeed located the Tree...and the Door.

First though, they needed to consolidate what remained of the Earth's human population into fifty or sixty small towns and mid-sized cities, in widely separated places to reduce the chances of another pandemic wiping out what remained of their species...and alert the Shadow Proclamation of the planet's recent, disease induced disaster. They, in turn, sent guardian forces to the level five world to ensure it was _not_ taken over by more aggressive or greedy races and conglomerates. Most of the used cities were in the United States and he'd even moved most of the remaining population of the UK there...because the UK still had a government as the USA did not. And so, it would be reabsorbed into the U.K., because there no longer a military left on U.S. soil, nor any sort of leadership to protest and they would _some_ kind of experienced leadership.

The Earth's humans still had a good deal of the bulk of their sciences, but not enough personnel to carry on with many of the exploratory or experimental sciences, other than medical. If he could get to the World Tree and find people on other Earths that had a similar enough genetic code who were willing to relocate, then this Earth had a chance. He intended to start recruiting on Pete's World. There were _millions_ of abruptly emptied time lines that such people could fill now. He hadn't spend so many centuries looking after this Earth or made so very many painful sacrifices for it's survival, only to allow it to succumb to something as simple as _natural_ selection at this point. Hell no, so instead, he was stacking the deck.

Once they had people resettled, they woke the U.K.'s leadership and he established his identity simply by materializing the TARDIS right in front of the U.N.I.T. guards at the White House in Washington, D.C., which the Crown had taken for their own use as a suitable Royal palace in America. It was _quite_ grand enough.

He'd explained what had happened, gotten samples of the disease to enter into the MedBay data banks so he could come up with a vaccine for it...when he had the leisure,...before he explained just exactly what he'd done to start getting humanity back on it's feet and what he was about to do to add to the population...and then he'd looked around for _Jack_.

**:WHO:**

Sexy put the co-ordinates in herself, secured Aga safely in her scooter and left the lever flipping to the Doctor.

Aga felt the shift that meant the TARDIS was again leaving the vortex a moment after the ship activated the gravity inducer that the Doctor had installed on her scooter and fastened the disabled human's safety straps over Aga's thighs and chest. She was used to this now, after so many trips to put people in larger populations and closer to each other.

It got a bit rough but Aga was in no danger of having her scooter tip over or of falling out of it. Sexy really _did_ take very good care of her. After about ten minutes the shaking ceased and the gravity clamps released, so she turned her scooter toward the console room along the now wide, straight halls with their curving corners that were more accessible for the scooter's limits than normal 45 degree angle corners would have been. When she got there, the doors were standing open and the Doctor was visible a few feet outside the ship...as was another man whose presence made Aga start grinning. This was going to be _fun_...

**TBC**


End file.
